Recently I was present while highly successful executives with grand swaths of influence discussed their respective businesses. I sat glued to my chair, struggling to focus on their dialogue while divertive thoughts were stirring through my mind. I tried to pay attention in case my presence was necessary but I kept getting distracted by the weighty presence of the imposing individuals surrounding me. 

For the most part I was plainly ignored and nourished a gleeful awareness contemplating our weighty juxtaposition. I studied these noteworthy men and glanced towards my torso, arms and legs. Examining my figure, I watched my hands as I flexed my fingers up and down a few times- a motion to remind myself that I was there, in the flesh.

The internship I was granted assigned me the heavy responsibility of handling myself keenly in these tense situations. I was offered a window into the penthouse suite of a company and my sole responsibility was being at my supervisor’s ardent disposal to undergo any task asked of me. But aside from this primary duty therein existed an acute privilege of my internship; other than to do my best, I didn’t have a material incentive and remained unaffected by company affairs. The role of my internship existed at the intersection of unwavering managerial adherence and untethered autonomy. 

Like most internships, the tasks I was assigned could be done without skill or practice. Like most interns, I was easily replaceable. When people asked what my internship consisted of, I usually responded sheepishly saying that it involved “anything I can do to make my boss’s life easier.” A more exact definition would disclose that I was a processor of the most basic tasks asked of me. My opinions weren’t really sought and my requests were largely ignored. 

Once I was directed to invite department heads for a working group and present my boss’s plans for reforming a specific department function. While discussing the ideas at the sparsely attended meeting, a member sitting directly adjacent to me scrolled on twitter, completely ignoring the conversation. This glaring insignificance of my position was evident anywhere a task was asked of me. But the mental set colleagues held of my presence- a momentary nepotistic child wandering around- granted me a liberative detachment evasive to even the most senior members of the company. I was not subject to the tyranny of expectations. 

I was looked past and neglected, a meaningless speck on the company’s dashboard. I scurried grave messages without worry between individuals who considered themselves quite important. I existed in this laughably irrational dichotomy where I was significantly insignificant, a pawn in a game I did not care for. Recognizing this laughable dichotomy early on was simple but I couldn’t put it into words until much later; the oasis of acceptance isn’t always readily available. Preserving this acceptance will require sincere awareness and deliberate reflection. Not an easy endeavour, but I imagine each effort towards this sanguine harbour will yield great dividends.